Cool or Tool: The August Edition

A look back on the best and worst of August 2015 pop culture.

This is a game my friends and I play when we want a quick opinion on a thing or idea. For example, “Cool or tool: these shoes I just bought?” “Cool or tool: telling your kids the truth about Santa?” “Cool or tool: telling your kids the truth about Santa at 16?”

The game is simple. Cool means we like something, tool means we don’t. The words rhyme and that’s why we use them. No need to pull out a dictionary. Alright? Alright! So here’s what was cool/tool from the month of August.

Kanye West running for president in 2020

Believe it or not, the transcript for Kanye’s campaign announcement is strikingly similar to Thomas Jefferson’s. John Adams hated it when ol’ Tommy called him “bro”. TOOL.

#PlaneBreakUp

If you’re in the type of relationship that involves you publically breaking up on an airplane, then immediately getting back together on said airplane, and then pounding six travel-sized vodkas and furiously making out for the remaining 50 minutes of your flight… then the least you could do is have a total stranger document it for the rest of us to enjoy. COOL.

Friend-in-laws

I refuse to believe I’m the only one that hates doing an uncomfortable conversation-shuffle when seeing your cousin’s girlfriend’s roommate in the grocery store, and trying to decide whether we’re going to stop and chat or if a simple wave will suffice… TOOL.

Deez Nuts is running for president

Call me immature, but one of the highlights of this month was watching endless actual news reports discuss the fabled journey to the White House of DEEZ NUTS. COOL.

Jared Fogle from Subway

So are we all going back to Quiznos now…? TOOL.

“Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!”

This horse is dead! Stop beating it! Have you no decorum?! Is nothing sacred anymore!? TOOL.

2015 Video Music Awards

Ever since Kanye stormed the VMA stage in 2009 this whole show has been run almost completely on controversy to attain high ratings. Getting Miley Cyrus to host the show, having Taylor Swift present the video vanguard award to Kanye West, purposefully putting Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus on stage together to play up their feud… The ceremony is much less an award show than it is a circus. TOOL.

Demitri Martin’s Special on Netflix

One of my favorite comedians. Always hilarious. COOL.

#StraightOutta

People everywhere have been posting pictures with the “Straight Outta [fill in blank here]” filter, from non-ironic friends from my hometown (“Straight outta Boerne”) to Kinkos (“Straight Outta Ink Cartridges”). At first I thought this trend was annoying, but then a friend posted a picture of her newborn with the filter “Straight Outta My Mom”, and I decided I have never been more right. TOOL.

Meek Mill ends feud with Drake in Instagram comment

After a month of not being able to escape the latest news on this well publicized feud, Meek Mill decided to finally settle his differences with Drake via Instagram comment. In other news, Tom from Myspace has publically challenged Mark Zuckerberg to settle their beef via rap feud. TOOL.

Steve-O jailed for anti-Sea World stunt

Last month, Steve-O was arrested in Los Angeles after climbing a construction crane, shooting off fireworks and hanging a “Sea World Sucks” banner. This was apparently Steve-O’s second anti-Sea World demonstration since his initial viewing of the film Black Fish late last year. Please, America, don’t anyone show Steve-O National Treasure, because if he doesn’t try to steal the Declaration of Independence, he would likely hang a “National Treasure Sucks” banner from atop the Washington Memorial. COOL.

Netflix viewing suggestions

Now that Netflix is making more original content, they’ve been getting more liberal with their suggestions. “Since you watched Man On Wire, why not try Wet Hot American Summer!” Nice try, Netflix. TOOL.

Wes Craven Dies

… But he’ll probably come back to life in the sequel. RIP.

McDonald’s turns down the McWhopper

McMadness ensued last month when McDonald’s rejected Burger King’s offer to set aside differences and create the “McWhopper” sandwich in honor of Peace Day. Burger King has since asked for his letterman jacket back “even though it was given as a gift”. TOOL.

RG3 gets injured

In other news, the sky is blue. TOOL.

Fant4stic (Fantastic 4)

I can’t wait to buy all four Fantastic Four movies from the $4 movie bin at Walmart. NOT FANTASTIC.

Hurricane Fred/Hurricane season

While hurricane season may be doing some terrible things to coastal towns, it has been doing wonders for the self-esteem of guys named Fred, who thought a new nick name would finally be the thing to make them cool. Lookin’ at you “Hurricane Fred Davis” in my fantasy football league. TOOL.

Miley Cyrus identifies herself as pansexual

…And I identify myself as not giving two shits. This isn’t news. Why does anyone care? Who would even want these two shits if I were giving them out? What’s the functional purpose of the second shit? Why wasn’t he/she satisfied with one single unit of shit? Why am I giving out these shits all willy nilly like they grow on trees? I mean, the recession’s over, but there’s no need to be extravagant. TOOL.

Bernie Sanders announces event “Bernie Man 2015” to come to Austin, TX

I don’t care who you’re voting for, that’s a great pun. COOL.