Lonely Sofa

By Kristi Ryan

Name: Alfonso

Last seen: Trying to sell pieces of trash he had dug out of Kim Kardashian’s dumpster to tourists on Hollywood Boulevard

Occupation: Technically on disability from a tragic back waxing accident

Interests: Hot tubs, hot women and hot pockets (preferably all at once)

Last items found between cushions: A tanning salon loyalty card and Listerine breath strip