Loner Magazine - How to Become an Artist

How to Become an Artist

1. Proclaim yourself an artist.

a.) This is perhaps the most important part of your transformation.  If you are like me and you were born one, a rarity amidst a sea of normal in this world, then this step will simply be about informing the world what you have known all along.

b.) Do not wait for others to bestow the title of “artist” upon you.  They may never do it, and you really don’t have to prove anything to them.  This leads me to my next point.

2. If you have accomplished nothing as an artist thus far, it doesn’t matter.  There are tons of people who have contributed nothing and are still able to call themselves “artists.”  Be proud of what you are.

3. You must only work when inspired.

a.) If an artist works at any point besides this, they become just another normal person treating what they do as a job.

4. Now, if someone questions what you are doing at the moment, and you are truly doing nothing, then you must say in so many words that you are soaking up life’s experiences in order to breathe truth into your work.  “Truth,” “Vitality,” “Life,” “Soul.”  All of these are keywords that will produce the desired effect.

a.) As an artist, there is a certain amount of leeway in how you describe your job.  A common response to the normies that just don’t understand is, “I’m in the beginning stages of a new project.”  Or, “I’m sort of working on this thing right now, but I can’t talk about it.”  These two helpful phrases will prevent anyone from being able to discredit your eternally important path, issuing just the right amount of ambiguity where they will feel it is offensive to prod further.

5. Know that you must look back upon “The Greats” and emulate the romantic suffering of their lives.

a.) Let’s be honest, no one knows suffering like you do.  No one except for others like you, that is, but even they don’t know it like you do.

b.) Artists throughout history swung wild like the liberated souls that they were.  Drink, fuck, smoke–do it all.  These actions are indicators of a true artist.  An artist does not sit at home toiling away at their work day after day.  No.  An artist is someone who lives dangerously and wastes as much time as possible to prove to their fellows that life is irony and that there isn’t time to be so serious.

i.) Conversely, if a situation calls for it, you must be gravely serious.  Say little.  Pause before you speak as you gaze into the distance.  Let your audience pine for your wisdom and when you do speak, masturbate to your words.  You may come off smug, but that’s okay, because it is not everyday that they get to hear you like this.

For Writers:

1. You must make your work a public display, otherwise how will a person know that you are a writer?

a.) A suggested approach to accomplishing this is setting up shop in a cafe.  Starbucks is a bit mainstream and not niche enough for your creativity, so I would advise finding a novelty cafe near you.  Be sure to let people know that this is your office.  They will respect you because cafe’s are widely known as a breeding grounds for originality.  Not only will your efforts as a writer be made public, but you will also be blessed with the opportunity to listen to REAL conversations that REAL people have.  Most people would assume coffee shop talk is monotonous or pretentious, but not you.  You are able to sift through the muck to find the gold.

2. Drink.  A lot.  Or do drugs.  Or both.

a.) Hemingway, Bukowski, Burroughs, Dylan Thomas.  These guys weren’t squares.  These guys drank, and they drank hard.  And you know what the best part is?  If someone accuses you of being an “alcoholic,” you can laugh and tell them, “No, I’m an artist.”

i.) A caveat is that you may meet opposition to this widely known fact.  If someone tells you that mass consumption does not equate to being an artist, then just laugh again, but do it quietly and when they aren’t looking.  It’s not their fault they’re so constricted by society’s handcuffs.

b.)Take yourself to the next level of being like these writers and find a local bar to haunt.

i.) Thomas had White Horse Tavern.  F. Scott had La Rotonde.  Hemingway had, well, Hemingway had many!

ii.) If you can become known as a regular and up the ante by having a specific section where you drink and brood, you are well on your way to being right alongside the legends in the history books.

3. Paddy Chayefsky once said, “Stop thinking about writing as art.  Think about it as work.  If you’re an artist, whatever you do is going to be art.  If you’re not an artist, at least you can do a good day’s work.”

a.) I bring this up because this quote is false, and it only perpetuates the problem of misconstruing art as work.  I don’t even like using the word “work.”  It’s a dirty word that lawyers use, or businessmen.  I like to think of what I do as magic.  As soon as I start to treat my art as “work,” the magic dissipates.  What does Paddy Chayefsky know anyway?  Network wasn’t even that good.

4. At the risk of sounding redundant, I must stress the importance of proclaiming yourself a writer, even if you haven’t really written anything.  The title is what carries weight, not the body of work.  What you produce will be forgotten, but who you are will last forever.

a.) This goes for actors as well.  As soon as you know you want to be an actor, then you go ahead and call yourself an actor!  You aren’t like other students learning their profession.  Just because someone is in law school, that doesn’t make them a lawyer.  But with acting, you don’t even have to be in anything or have made any money to call yourself an actor.  How amazing is that?

i.) Actors, I want you to know that what society says isn’t true.  You ARE the most important people in the world.  A story is simply a story without you.  I mean, what would an audience do without you?  Read?

I write because I’m afraid I’m going bald.

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