Loner Magazine - Cool Or Tool: The May Edition

Cool Or Tool: The May Edition

A look back on the best and worst of May 2015 pop culture.

This is a game my friends and I play when we want a quick opinion on a thing or idea. For example, “Cool or tool: These shoes I just bought?” “Cool or tool: Owning a station wagon?” “Cool or tool: Calling that station wagon the ‘shaggin’ wagon’?”

The game is simple. Cool means we like something, tool means we don’t. The words rhyme and that’s why we use them. No need to pull out a dictionary. Alright? Alright! So here’s what was cool/tool from the month of May.

DAD BOD CRAZE

Um….What? I’m gonna assume this was another blue dress-white dress situation. Because when someone says “Dad Body”, my mind jumps to a doughy guy with a hairy chest who mows the lawn in pleated khakis and falls asleep in a recliner while watching Face Off. And this is what women find attractive?

I’m confused, because, as a thinner guy, I’ve been shooting for a sort of Andrew Garfield look. And much to my surprise, Garfield the cat is the look women want.

I just don’t want to gain 40 pounds and then have the internet declare in 2016 that six-packs are all the rage again. TOOL

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THE START OF WEDDING SEASON

As summer begins, so does wedding season.

On the one hand, weddings can be fun–seeing people you haven’t hung out with in a while, eating too much cake, middle-aged people getting really drunk, and dancing as if no one is watching.

On the other hand, weddings have their draw backs–seeing people you haven’t hung out with in a while, eating too much cake, middle-aged people getting really drunk, dancing as if no one is watching and BUMPING INTO AN EX-GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE SHE IS STILL FRIENDS WITH THE BRIDE OR GROOM. HOW MANY TIMES MUST I APOLOGIZE TO YOU, KAREN?! I THOUGHT WE AGREED IT WAS MUTUAL.

Is there an open bar? Yes, please. COOL

MAYWEATHER VS PACQUIAO

When did everyone decide they would simultaneously start caring about boxing for no real reason? Was the fight fun to watch, at least? No, not really? Oh, okay. TOOL.

KANYE WEST GETTING AN HONORARY DOCTORATE AT THE ART INSTITUE OF CHICAGO

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Most would agree that Kanye West has had one of the most dominant voices in hip hop, and probably music, in the past 14 years. Even before the release of his first album, he was producing hit records for other artists (Jay Z’s The Blueprint in 2001). What’s great about Kanye is how he continues to successfully reinvent himself every album, and then have the rest of hip hop follow his lead. Remember after 808s and Heartbreak when EVERY rapper was using auto tune? Or when America hated him for interrupting Taylor Swift at the VMAs, but immediately forgot about it once My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy came out? The greatest testament to Kanye’s music is that it is remarkable enough to entirely eclipse his public persona. And that should dumbfound all of you. Kanye is an artist. To say he doesn’t deserve this honor is to say that hip hop/rap isn’t art. COOL

SHAQ FALLING

More often than not, what makes people laugh the hardest isn’t a clever observation or witty comeback, it is unexpected physical comedy…And then a million photo-shopped pictures of it. COOL.

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MCDONALD’S INTRODUCES HIPSTER HAMBURGLAR

After a poorly received “Choose Lovin’” campaign earlier this year, McDonald’s seems to be grasping at straws to make their restaurant seem cool and not life threateningly unhealthy. Instead of the quirky hamburger thief we grew up with, the new McDonald’s ad campaign features a rebooted hipster Hamburglar wearing a leather trench coat, scruff beard and fedora. In other news, McDonald’s is replacing the Happy Meal toy with either a tUnE-yArDs vinyl, ironic movie poster or an unsolicited opinion. Nice try, McDonald’s, but that’s not enough to make me forget about Super Size Me. TOOL.

SEASON 2 OF SILICON VALLEY

One of my favorite shows on television right now. This season had a bit of a slower start than the first, but has really found its stride in the last few episodes. The acting is great, jokes are spot-on and the accurate depiction of a tech company hits so close to home it’s uncomfortable. Early on, I wasn’t sure how the show would handle the death of actor Christopher Evan Welch, but replacing his character with, essentially, a caricature of Mark Cuban has turned out to be one of my favorite parts of this season. Can’t wait to see what happens next. COOL.

SAYING “MAY THE 4th BE WITH YOU”

“Hey, I think you mean, ‘may the force be-‘ oh wait…Damn it.” TOOL.

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I’ve been described by some as ‘stately yet goofy’ and by others as ‘having a good vocabulary.’ Living in Austin. Working in a cubicle. Writing for fun.

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