Loner Magazine - Cool or Tool: The July Edition

Cool or Tool: The July Edition

A look back on the best and worst of July 2015 pop culture.

This is a game my friends and I play when we want a quick opinion on a thing or idea. For example, “Cool or tool: these shoes I just bought?” “Cool or tool: the song ‘Ice Ice Baby’?” “Cool or tool: knowing all the words to ‘Ice Ice Baby’?”

The game is simple. Cool means we like something, tool means we don’t. The words rhyme and that’s why we use them. No need to pull out a dictionary. Alright? Alright! So here’s what was cool/tool from the month of July.

Ariana Grande hates America

I mean, if you want to say “I hate America”, you can. You have that right. Many a red-blooded American has died protecting Ariana Grande’s freedom of speech (or her right to re-appropriate her statements to be about obesity). But what kind of disgusting, inbred monster licks donuts at a donut shop? Ebola is still an issue, lady. TOOL.

Ashley Madison hacking scandal

Karma: (noun) Derived from the Sanskrit word “karman”:  An action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation. COOL.

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U.S. Women’s Soccer team wins World Cup

COOL.

No one caring we won the World Cup because it is soccer

If that’s your prerogative, sure. COOL.

No one caring we won the World Cup because it was the women’s team

TOOL.

Pet cobra loose in Austin

I’ve gotten upward of 20 amber alerts this month, and not one of them for the loose cobra (which has already taken one life) at large in the city I live. Why would anyone even own a cobra? Why did you let it get loose? Why has no one called G.I. Joe to handle this yet? TOOL.

Donald Trump leading in election polls

Maybe if the media stopped paying attention to @DonaldTrump and running non-stop coverage of the #Trump2016 campaign, while carefully documenting every gaff he makes (such as the remark he made here, which you ABSOLUTELY have to see to believe), Trump wouldn’t be performing so well. Leave your comments about #TrumpForPresident below! TOOL.

Mick Fanning shark attack at the J-Bay Open surf competition

In fighting off a Great White (via back punching) while surfing, not only did Mick Fanning show the shark who was alpha male, but also every man on Earth. In other news, I finally opened that jar of salsa after my third attempt. Just had to run it under some warm water first. COOL.

Amazon Prime Day

Ever thought of buying a koozie that says “Born in 1975”? What about over-sized nail clippers for dogs? Or maybe a 4000 oz. barrel of lubricant? No? Ha! Well, your loss. These deals won’t be around forever. TOOL.

Trailers leaked at Comic-Con (Suicide Squad, Batman v. Superman, Dead Pool)

I am extremely excited for all three of these movies. After seeing the level of self-awareness that the Dead Pool trailer exhibited, I’m really hoping it will be to the super hero genre what Scream was to horror. The character was written as a parody of anti-hero super heroes, and I’m really glad the movie will be maintaining that tone.

If you weren’t already on board for Batman v. Superman, and this trailer didn’t get you excited for the movie, I don’t know what will. COOL.

Suicide Squad is probably the movie I am most excited to see in general next year. Can’t wait. COOL.

50 Cent declares bankruptcy

After being sued millions of dollars for posting a sex tape of Rick Ross’s ex-wife, Lestonia Levitson, 50 Cent declared bankruptcy last month. The decision came after a number of failed attempts by 50 Cent to raise money for legal fees–which included becoming an Uber driver, switching to florescent light bulbs and writing a sequel to his 2005 movie Get Rich or Die Trying, in which he dies trying. TOOL.

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DeAndre Jordan staying with the Clippers

After an almost done deal with the Mavericks, Los Angeles Clippers fans were stunned last month to hear that DeAndre Jordan would be traded to Dallas. Most upset by this news, however, were Jordan’s teammates, who upon hearing of this trade boarded a plane to Houston, went to Jordan’s house and wouldn’t let him leave until he re-signed with the Clippers. A lot of people called it a “hostage situation,” but this was my mental image…

SayAnything

COOL.

Spurs pick up David West and LaMarcus Aldridge

No pair of pleated pants are capable of hiding the excitement I have for the Spurs in the 2015-2016 season. Really. My expectations went from like, right here (raises hand), to right here (raises hand a little higher). COOL.

Ant-Man

After the whole snafu with director Edgar Wright leaving his 10-year brain child last summer, I had no idea what to expect with Ant-Man. I love Edgar Wright and was extremely intrigued as to how his unique style would translate into a super hero movie. My disappointment at his leaving the project was made slightly less when I heard Adam McKay was helping to rewrite the script. Then it was announced that Peyton Reed, the director of Bring it On, would be taking over, and mentally I prepared myself for the worst. I shouldn’t have worried. Ant-Man was a nice change of pace from the super hero movies that have come out recently. It was funny and well done. I’ll probably see it multiple times in theaters. However, I still can’t stop thinking about how awesome the Edgar Wright version would have been… COOL.

 This view is dominated by the large, bright feature informally named the “heart,” which measures approximately 1,000 miles (1,600 kilometers) across.
This view is dominated by the large, bright feature informally named the “heart,” which measures approximately 1,000 miles (1,600 kilometers) across.

New Horizons’ Pictures of Pluto

The pictures from New Horizons’ trip to Pluto are pretty interesting, but are unlikely to get Pluto back at the cool kids table with the other planets. It’s a shame, but in the immortal words of a t-shirt I saw some guy wearing at a Luby’s once, “Don’t worry Pluto, I’m not a planet either.” COOL OUT OF SYMPATHY.

Members of the New Horizons science team react to seeing the spacecraft's last and sharpest image of Pluto before closest approach later in the day, Tuesday, July 14, 2015 at the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory (APL) in Laurel, Maryland. Photo Credit: (NASA/Bill Ingalls)
Members of the New Horizons science team react to seeing the spacecraft’s last and sharpest image of Pluto before closest approach later in the day, Tuesday, July 14, 2015 at the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory (APL) in Laurel, Maryland. Photo Credit: (NASA/Bill Ingalls)


July 23: National Hot Dog Day

We should probably consider moving this to a month that doesn’t already have a televised, international, hot-dog eating competition already established on a separate day. It would be like declaring December 4th “National Evergreen Tree in Your Living Room Day”. But hey, if I can’t get two Christmases, I’ll settle for two 4th of July’s. COOL.

I’ve been described by some as ‘stately yet goofy’ and by others as ‘having a good vocabulary.’ Living in Austin. Working in a cubicle. Writing for fun.

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